


It’s Not Easy Facing Up When Your Whole World Is Black

by Visionsofdazzlingrooms



Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [8]
Category: blue bloods
Genre: Crying, Emotional, F/M, Poor Danny, Sad, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visionsofdazzlingrooms/pseuds/Visionsofdazzlingrooms
Summary: Linda is worried about Danny, and he tells her a secret he’s kept to himself for years*title take from Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Linda Reagan
Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899769
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	It’s Not Easy Facing Up When Your Whole World Is Black

**Author's Note:**

> Not super in-depth, but suicidal thoughts are mentioned towards the end

Danny feels lost. He’s felt like this before, and it's terrible. It isn't the kind of lost where you don't know where you are physically. It's a lost he can't explain. He’s got no words, no thoughts. What can he say to reassure her he’s fine when he endured hell? The happiness he felt coming home is now gone, and it's replaced with fear and worry and anger. He’s been here before, and he promised he wouldn’t let it get too far. 

Danny hits the punching bag over and over again, trying to quiet the painful thoughts swarming his head. He tries to get the nasty images to stop playing in front of his mind. He tries not to think about the fears or the doubts or the aggressions; he tries not to think. 

The punching bag swings back at him, hitting him in the face. He takes off his boxing gloves and starts punching and kicking the bag. He mutters curses, and for a few minutes, he silently rages. He catches the bag between his hands and rests his forehead on it, his chest rising and falling. Then something unexpected happens- he starts crying. 

"Danny?" Linda places her wine glass on the small table and walks over to him. Her hand on his shoulder, she asks, "are you okay, sweetie?" 

He turns to her and drops his head to her shoulder. She hugs him tightly, rubbing his back. She doesn’t know what to say, or if she should say anything. 

"Sorry," Danny mumbles and stands up straight, aggressively rubbing the tears away. 

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." He suddenly pushes her away, turning his back on her. "I'm just a failure."

"No, you're not." She says sternly, clenching her fists. "Danny, you're not a failure. It's not your fault that some of your buddies died. That's war!"

"All." He mumbles again and kneels in front of the box where they keep boxing gloves and weights and such. 

"What?" She walks up behind him. 

"A-all. All of them died. That's why I was sent back early. Not cause we won or they didn't need us anymore. Because...." he shifts, now parallel with the box. 

Linda frowns and drops to her knees in front of him. "I.... I'm so sorry, honey. I had no idea." 

"I didn't want you to know. I don't want anybody to know."

She puts her hand on his cheek, hoping it will give him some sort of comfort. Danny reaches up and holds her hand, bringing it to his lips. He kisses it and breathes into her palm. "I- is there any thing I can do?"

"Oh, no. I- I don't think so, sweetie."

She nods, "are- are you sure? I can make you something, or fix you a drink, or, y'know, just..... cuddle?"

"I probably should take a shower before anything else." Danny holds his hands out to her and they stand at the same time. 

"I'll let you take that shower. Want anything when you get out?"

"Just you."

Linda blushes and smiles as he swings his arm around her shoulders, "may I ask a favor?" 

"What?"

"Can we take a bath instead?" She steps in front of him. "I'm worried about you, Danny. You've gone down this path before, and I don't want you to do it again. I- I wanna be with you."

He smiles crookedly and kisses her lips sweetly. "I'm not gonna drunk drive again, Linda. I promise. It's just- now that I'm home, I have time to think about these things..."

"It's a lot to think about, huh?"

"Especially since I didn't really get a chance to..." his voice trails off and his eyes dart from hers. 

"Yeah," She agrees quietly, looking down. Danny had been deployed when Mary died; he had come back for the funeral, but he never got to say a proper goodbye. "I can't imagine how that feels."

"It... I don't want to talk about it just yet."

She nods, flicking her hair out of her eyes. "Ready for that bath, Irish King?"

Danny smiles at his new nickname. The first time she called him that was in a letter. It sorta stuck. He holds out his hand, and she firmly grasps it. 

***********

Linda’s eyes start to drift close as she leans against Danny in the tub. She knows they both want to get romantic, but Danny still feels sad. 

"Are you sure you're okay with-"

"A shoulder massage should make up for it." Linda interrupts, knowing it will just send her straight to dreamland. 

Danny's hands rub her shoulders gently, then her upper arms. He starts kneading the knots from her neck, and it feels sooo good. He goes on like that for some minutes before she leans her head back. 

Danny kisses Linda’s cheek while pressing his thumbs between her shoulder blades. His lips go to her neck, sucking the skin between his lips. She moans in her throat, bringing her hand up to stoke his hair. His hands move to her arms, rubbing them up and down. He kisses the corner of her mouth, his hands inching closer to her breasts. 

Linda turns my head towards Danny, capturing his lips with her own. His tongue probes into her mouth, exploring what it's memorized. He tastes like whiskey, and his breath is warm. She turns around, settling between his legs.

************

“Some days I’m fine, and others....” Danny sighs as he looks away from Linda. They're in the bathroom, fully dressed and cleaned. She wants to sleep; she’s tired and in a post-sex bliss. But she needs to hear him, too, so she forces the sleep away. “Others I’m not.”

“It’s okay, though, cause the good outnumber the bad, right?”

He shakes his head and she can tell he wants to cry again. “It’s getting worse, and... I don’t know how- how to stop it.”

“Remember my friend, Brie?”

Danny nods after a few moments. 

“Do you want to talk to her?” Brie’s a friend of Linda and a psychologist. She watches him shake his head. “But isn’t it better talking to someone who’s a friend rather than a total stranger?”

He shrugs again, continuing to stare at the fluffy blue rug. 

“Do you even want to get better?”

He looks up finally, “of course I do.”

“So talk to Brie. There’s only so much I can help you with, and I... I Kinda get the feeling you’re not telling me things.”

“I don’t need you to worry about this.”

“But you’re my husband, and I love you. I’m gonna worry no matter how important or how mundane it is.”

There’s an uncomfortable moment of silence before Danny speaks, barely audible. “I’m scared.”

“Scared? Scared of what?”

“Scared that I won’t be enough anymore. Scared that I’ll snap and end up hurting you or the kids.....” he adds quietly, “or me.” He slumps onto the edge of the tub.

She sits down next to him, “is there something you’re not telling me?” 

“Have you ever thought.... you’d be better off dead?”

Linda processes what he says. “Are... are you having suicidal thoughts?”

He nods, the tears he’s been holding silently slip down his cheeks. 

Her heart breaks into a million little pieces for him, and she doesn’t hesitate to hold him. She wants to cry too, but she doesn’t. She kissed his cheek, “we’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out. When you think those thoughts, come to me. Come to me, and I’ll tell you how much you mean to me.” 

That night, Linda sleeps next to Danny as close as she can possibly get. She tells him how wonderful he is, how amazing, how strong. She whispers, “I love you,” before he falls asleep. “I love you, Danny. I love you.” 

Danny holds Linda close, listening to her soft whispers. He doesn’t know how to stop the suicidal thoughts. He’s afraid he’s going to act on them one of these days. He lets Linda’s soft voice fill his ears, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. The last thing he hears before falling asleep is his wife’s declaration of love. He has a long, hard road ahead of him, but with her by his side, he can do anything.

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely want to explore this whole Danny-has-suicidal-thoughts story line


End file.
